How Could I Have Done That?!

"Why didn't anyone tell me there were risks?"

"I wish I had known....I would have done things so differently."

"I feel so guilty that I didn't stand my ground."

"I wonder if it's because of his birth experience that my baby is having his problems."

"I'll do a <homebirth, unmedicated, etc> birth next time, just not for my first, plus I don't have enough time to prepare."

"I feel so betrayed."

"I'm angry that I let my <self, mother's, husband's, caregiver's, society's> fears decide my birth."

"Next time I won't make the same mistakes."

There are few feelings that are worse than guilt over intentionally or unintentionally putting your child at risk, knowing your choices were the cause of their trauma...physical or emotional... or giving them less than an optimal experience for their birth. And that guilt is more intense when you 'knew better', but were too afraid to do what you knew should have for your birth.

Our society view's the feelings of guilt and regret as completely negative, something to be avoided. But I believe these feelings are a way of our conscience, God, Higher Power or what have you telling us that we need to change, that there's a better way. I've known many second and third time parent's who have layers and layers of regrets about their children's birth experience, and to some degree subsequent good births are healing for them, but there are always deep feelings of guilt left for their previous children's less than optimal experience.

Even if prior experiences were unavoidable, sadness still can exist if you have since learned there's a better way. Again, I believe that's the Divine letting us know how birth can and should be. A perfect example of that is my own experiences.

Even though with my first pregnancy I didn't know that homebirth existed, and I had an excellent hospital birth, I still feel sad for my Roma, myself, and my husband that we missed out on those special intimate and spiritual times I had with my second baby, and first homebirth. There were subtle things and minor interventions, that seemed trivial at the time, that I had no idea my baby, husband and I had missed out on until I had Ellie at home.

One of those interventions was leaving my secure and loving surroundings and going into a place I didn't know - with strangers, where the focus immediately shifted from my labor being a loving act between my husband and I to a medical event to overseen, or managed, by people I barely knew or didn't know at all. Luckily I had the sense enough to hire a doula, whom I love, that restored some of that intimacy for us and protected and helped create opportunities for private moments.

Another....catering to the hospitals convenience instead of them catering to me, in the moment when every woman deserves to be pampered. Agreeing to get out of the tub, only to lay on my side for my once an hour monitoring, birthing in a position that was unnecessary and contrary to what my baby and body was telling me to do, and feeling powerless and stupid to express what position I needed to be in.

And my biggest regrets of all. Letting them take my perfectly healthy baby out of my sight and into another room into their 'expert' care to do what few routines I consented to. Another time I woke up to find Roma, hours old, not in my room. A nurse had taken her without my consent because she didn't want to wake me. Talk about panic. That's when I started bed sharing.

And my saddest regret for my husband and our family....The hospital didn't have accommodations for my husband to stay the night, so he went home. We lost precious, precious bonding and strength promoting hours, not to mention it was the first night I had been away from my husband since we had been married. It was possibly the loneliest feeling in the world. It wasn't right. No family should be separated during that critical time. 21 years old, with a crying baby, alone in a strange, anaseptic smelling room, very little support, a shower that never got hot enough, food that was barely edible, and a toilet that was too high, with tired nurses coming in to vigorsly massage my fundus every 2 hours and asking if I had pooped yet.

Don't get me wrong, I did have a wonderful experience by hospital standards, about as good as it's going to get. All the staff was very kind to me. My caregivers were very supportive. No one even gave me a hard time about my 4 page militant birth plan. At the time all these interventions didn't bother me so much. But since then I have grown and matured. It was at Ellie's homebirth, where I moved freely from room to room, knew where everything was, Roma was there to welcome her sister, ate what ever I wanted. I chose when to get out of the tub, what room to see my Ellie's face for the first time, what position to push her into the world. Where everyone there was someone who was invited, that I knew, loved, and trusted, and understood the importance of spirituality at birth. My baby never left my side, my husband gave her her first bath, not the nurse, I was the expert on my baby at her birth. And most important of all. I and my baby weren't abandoned and left in the care of strangers at a strange place that first night. My husband knew the pleasure of sleeping next to his wife and brand new baby only hours old. He now has anger and guilt most of all over that. He was cheated out of what could have been the best night of his life. Ellie's homebirth was truly the epitome of a loving act between my husband and I, shared with our family and loved friends. Roma's hospital birth was joyful, but Ellie's homebirth was celestial, and the guilt I feel for cheating Roma out of a celestial birth is hard to deal with. I'm only comforted knowing that I didn't know better at the time and I did all that I knew how to ensure a safe and loving journey for her.

Now this wasn't meant to be a ranting for homebirth. I only hope to inspire other women to do what their gut is telling them. DO NOT COMPROMISE YOUR BABY'S WELLBEING. Be strong. You do know best. If you feel the best place for you is in a hospital with or without drugs, do it. A c-section, do it. A homebirth, do it. An unassisted birth, do it. Because ultimately it's not your husband, caregiver, or society you're going to be angry with. It will be yourself. And when it comes to birth experiences, it's hard to forgive yourself, even if circumstances were unavoidable.

Many people reading this will bring up a very valid part of the equation, "What about the father's feelings. It's his baby, too." It is true, and they're stuck in a hard place. Fathers, after putting your preference in and trying to sway your wife to the birth you'd like to happen, you have two choices.

1. Coerce, guilt, threaten, bribe, or financial deny your wife the birth experience she feels is right.

This path sets you up for strife within your relationship. Long term resentment, anger, especially if something went wrong that wouldn't have in her desired birth experience, self esteem issues, which ultimately results in a spiritual breakdown.

2. Step back and let go. Trust your wife is wise and her instincts are correct. Enjoy your birth experience. Men have to keep in mind that what's best for the baby is what's best for the mother. A fearful, angry mother is going to produce a distressed baby. A relaxed, happy mother is going to produce a healthy baby.

Men, please put yourself in your wife's place. I will try do this in a way you can identify with.

Your dream of going to a certain college to pursue your passion or calling is within your reach. But your wife, she's not so sure about it. Your change has either safety issues for her, is too far away, will lower your income, requires you to move, doesn't hold the social status she desires. So you trade your passion in, and you're miserable, resentful, angry at her and yourself, are depressed and are at risk for a spiritual breakdown. Except when it comes to a birth experience , sometimes these feelings have a hard time ever going away because it directly affects your child's health.

If you love your wife, and she, your baby's and marriage's physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing are your priorities, let go of your fears, rational or irrational, and support your wife's promptings.

She is at one with her baby, and is biologically set up to have spirit to spirit communication with him. While she is pregnant, they are one. The communication that occurs between them now may never happen again. She feels what the baby feels, knows what he knows, and unfortunately father's aren't afforded that privilege in a way that is afforded to her. The way you act towards her before, during, and after the birth she will never forget and it will effect the outcome profoundly. You have an opportunity to strengthen your relationship and start your new family off on the right foot.

Many men hide behind the excuses of safety. Even after becoming educated, men still hang onto this notion to pressure or guilt their women to birth in a way that best suits their (the husband's) needs emotionally. Oftentimes when this is the case, this excuse is just covering up fears of responsibility should something adverse happen, fears of failure on their part in the labor and birth, fears of being a good father, fear of intimacy and fear of witnessing their wife in such a powerful way. But in reality that is what birth is about. Creating a powerful union and ferocious woman, able to adequately mother and be a confident wife. It's about taking responsibility for your family, and not handing it over to someone else to take care of. It's about gaining the courage you'll need to be an admirable father. It's about being there for your wife and supporting her God Given inspiration. It's about intimacy and Love. It's about bringing a new life into your family in a way that's right for that baby.