The Universal Story

By Anonymous

I couldn't ask for better in laws.  There's always been an outpouring of love and support, even when it's apparent there might be disagreement on particular issues.  My parents-in-law, sister's-in-law, and brother -in-law's are all very kind and loving, but I think that's why whenever we get on the subject of birth, their perceptions and views of it makes me as sad and disappointed as they do.  We are all LDS, and in being so we tend to have a lot of reverence towards life and none of have shied away from having large families.  I've ceased bringing up the subject of birth with the women in my husband's family who are done having babies because it's hard for me not to take their disdain of birth personally, even though I know they in no way intend it to be personal.  None the less, it occasionally comes up between the women like it does in every other social circle.  I am currently 5 months pregnant and it was recently came up on my birthday. 

Because of my pregnancy the questions came as to how I was feeling, and I was crossing my fingers it would be left at that.but of course it wasn't.  My mother-in-law asked me if I was going to do another homebirth.  It still baffles me that people ask that of women who give birth at home, if their next one will be at home as well.  As if I would change my beliefs suddenly.  No one ever asks a hospital birther or a woman who has an epidural if they plan on another medicated and/or hospital birth, it's just assumed.  But it's the women who have natural or home births that people have a lack of faith in, even if they've done it many times.  So she asks me, "Are you going to have this one at home?"  I reply (in a teasing way) "Well, we're actually planning on going up to Mount Charleston, finding a spot under a tree, gather pine needles and squat on top of them."  Everyone laughed and I was hopeful that levity would leave the discussion of birth at that, but then they immediately went into trauma mode.

"I did an epirual with the last three because I was just too tired to do it any more"

I'm thinking, 'Well, you also had pitocin with the last three'

"After the 4th, Tom figured out that once my water's broken that baby just comes.   So he's telling the doctor 'Just break her water, break her water!'  And I'm thinking 'No!No!  It hurts after they break my water.'"

I'm thinking, 'Well, why did you agree to having your water broken then?  You sound as if you were being attacked.'

"Oh Jane, I just remember seeing you moaning and thinking of how terrible it must be for you.  It was painful to watch."

I'm thinking 'That's too bad.  I thought it was a beautiful, spiritual journey.  It hurt, but so what.'

"When I saw Jen (her daughter in law) in the last stages of labor, all I could think was get her an epidural!"

I'm thinking 'She was insecure and fearful before that experience.  Now she's a strong confident woman.  She doesn't regret not getting an epidural, why do you regret it for her?'

"I don't know if I could ever see you go through labor, Jane, it just brings back all the pain of my births."

I'm thinking, 'Then you need some counseling.  That's called post-traumatic stress.'

Of course they're all talking so fast and over each other that I have little opportunity to interject.  Also being that I'm at least 10 years everyone's junior, my words hold very little weight among them.  I think one thing I barely got to say momentarily rang true for them, because all of them had at least one unmedicated birth.

I said, "I love going through labor"

My mother-in-law "Did you just say you love going through labor?"

"It's such an incredible journey and opportunity.  During the hardest part of labor is when you feel the Lord's Spirit and help the most.  It's the only time I feel the spirit like that and I wouldn't chose to miss out on that."

Sister-in-law "Yeah, that is true.  And there is that wonderful high you get after the birth when you don't have an epidural.  It's like you can climb a mountain."

Needless to say I walked away feeling a little empty because my female kin had very little understanding of how birth was meant to be.  I felt very alone.  Logically I knew I wasn't.  There are thousands of women out there who know that secret place of a normal birth.  But when there's that loss within your family, it's just sad, because that's who you want support and kinship from the most.  I do have a few people in my family who know that place...a sister, a sister-in-law on my side, a cousin by marriage, and a niece by marriage, and believe me I am eternally grateful for that.  I have at least one person who I can connect with on that level at family gatherings most of the time. 

I know most women not only don't have any connection within their family on normal birth, but experience unbelievable hostility about it.  But I grieve that loss of not having a knitted consenesus, and I grieve it over and over when my clients and students grieve their loss of family support.  My solace is that we are still in the pioneering stages when it comes to my views on birth.  I can affect the women of childbearing age and younger in my family.  I pray they'll come to class, I invite my teenage nieces to my births, I talk to those in my family willing to honestly listen about it, even the boys.  I try to make it easier for them.  I want them to know they can come to me if no one else will help and support them. 

I really shouldn't feel too bad.  Above else my and my husband's family loves me and shows that love, even if they don't understand me.  I feel like I can be honest with them about my decision without fear of hostility or being mocked.  I do feel confident they would love to come to my births, even if it did scare them, and they'd make it into an enjoyable event. But that won't happen because I need everyone at my births to be on the same page or not be there at all.  I did invite two of my sister's to my last home birth, both of which had very little positive memories of each of their 5 births, and it worked out very nicely.  They have since changed their perception of birth somewhat, but unfortunately not completely. 

I don't feel as though  I can adequatley close this outpouring, because there's really not an end to this story.  Someday I will be done having babies, but I will never be done being involved in birth, even if I cease to be a birth junkie.  My daughters will have babies, by nieces will have babies, my cousins will have babies.  Birth happens until we die, society and family is always involved.  There is no end to this story.  I just hope for the next generation, my kin will be writing about the joy and support they feel from their family, instead of the emptiness and loss I feel.